A Crash Course in Humility

Some back-story:

Ever since the beginning of all this drama with my Dad's heart, I've been dealing with another seemingly more sinister drama...the ever present tornado that is--you guessed it--my family. How many blogs have been dedicated to laments over their collective or individual stupidity/annoyingness? Too many.

I promise you, this is not another one of those blogs.

Of course, family tragedy seems to bring out the worst in everybody involved--therefore, as my Dad's condition has worsened, so has my tolerance level. Not only has everybody been their normal irritating selves...not only have I been forced to converse with them on a daily basis...not only have I needed them to give me cogent and complete information as well as assurance of some amount of control and care being given to my Dad while I'm gone...but they all seem to be, well...INTENSIFIED.

Unfortunately for me, this means I am dealing with two very raw, very open cans of worms at the exact same time when, honestly, there is precious little I wouldn't give to have both lids tightly resealed and never opened again.

I am discovering that nothing could have prepared me for this to happen and nothing ever will. It just happens, and you have no choice but to let it.

At any rate, I was sitting down taking care of (ahem) business with a boring bunch of old magazines to choose from for reading material when I saw a bible sitting there nonchalantly. Whenever I happen upon a lonely bible like this I play a little game with God where I say "Okay God, I'm just going to flip somewhere and You can make me open somewhere meaningful now if You'd like to impart something to me." It almost always yields pertinent results. So I flipped the old book open and what did I happen upon?

"...Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. But we know that the judgment of God is according to truth against those who practice such things. And do you think this, O man, you who judge those practicing such things, and doing the same, that you will escape the judgment of God? Or do you despise the riches of His goodness, forbearance, and long-suffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?" - Romans 2:1-4

Whammo...And the lights sputtered on.

To put it lightly:

Who the hell do I think I am?

All this time I have looked down on my family for their shortcomings. I know that that's no surprise to anybody who's read my blog more than once, but the (sad) truth is that I didn't see how arrogant I had become. All this time I had been thinking that I was better than them for whatever reason, but ALL THIS TIME, I was the one in the wrong. They had put me on a pedestal and told me I was equipped to fix their lives, and I had bought the hype. I had never stopped trying to change them, nit-picking their worst qualities, using the power they gave me to tear down in private as much as I built up in their presence. I was critical and unforgiving and bitter and vengeful.

And I'm sorry.

I see now, in the face of tragedy, that I am just as helpless and lost as they are. Some may have trouble grasping reality, some may mask their fear with attitude, some may use stupidity to avoid responsibility, some may appear corrupted by newfound power, some may be reaping years of bad sowing, some may be having trouble dealing with their emotions, etc., etc., etc.

But NOT ONE of those less than savory qualities have I not portrayed or felt rise in my heart both prior to and during this trial.

And not just that, but add to it my impatience, my lack of faith, my gossiping, my anger at God, etc., etc., etc....we could be here all day.

I am humbled by my gross lack of humility. I repent...boy do I repent. Because...

"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." - Matthew 7:1-5

As I go forward, deeper and deeper into the great abyss that is loss and grief and fear and uncertainty and instability, I can only thank God for using this time for something more than administering a crash course on Death and Survival. Any lesson beyond what grief can teach just helps to give it all that much more meaning--a positive purpose, which is what we all so desperately want from God in these fearful and dark moments. Now I have a point of view that will (hopefully) make it that much easier to frame the difficult times that lie ahead: One of patience, one that accepts imperfection from my loved ones and myself in the midst of desperation, and most importantly, one of humility.

Lord knows I will need all the help I can get.